Divorce Advice 101: Don’t Let Her Break You | Rachael Sloan

You’re either a narcissist a victim or feminine when you speak your mind about your feelings. Only she wants to be heard.

I'm on SSI so I can't afford your program.. but your videos have been great..
You're not minimizing our emotions, you're not giving us platitudes.. I don't know if you're a Christian but you were definitely called to this.. thanks

You asked about being accused of being a narcissist..not in as many words but my wife has BPD and is prone to Tend to interpersonal victimhood..
She projects a lot, lol
I have ADHD
Yes,I have anger issues
Yes, I probably could have communicated better.. but I'm not passive aggressive(she can be)
But it's not like she helped with any of that
I was her emotional anchorr, she was hardly ever mine by her choice. Her favorite phrase was "I'm not responsible for managing your emotions"
--i thought that's what a marriage was? We support each other

I don't think I was controlling? Like she said. I definitely know Im not dangerous, like she said

I spent the better part of the entirety of our 14 year relationship focused on myself, my issues, my problems and how I was the main cause of all our problems. Only now am I willing and able to begin seeing all the things I had previously downplayed or overlooked or excused or accepted responsibility for that wasn’t mine to own. She still blames me for every single one of her behaviors and the downfall of our marriage, and I READILY accept my own contributions to it, but also I know I’m not the sole exclusive contributor either. So yeah…now I focus on her issues and everything I’ve ignored up to this point. Not as a way of score keeping or blame shifting, but in finally seeing the truth that she contributed too and that her current choices are just as damaging and destructive as mine were in the past.

I would like to comment from a woman's perspective, due to the fact my husband is watching your videos.

A person I have been with for 20 plus years and made every effort to keep our marriage together.

a person who is one way to the outside world and completely different way to his wife and children.

a person who has invalidated my experience and the emotional abuse he has inflicted on his family.

A person who is watching your video titled, "Don't let her break you".
I think it is unfortunate that you are generalizing all women and providing tools to invalidate the ones who have truly suffered.
Yes, a narcissist would watch your videos because your validating him.
an emotional abuser would watch your videos because your validating him.
That's not to say this is not applicable to some women, but not all.
Your videos provide my husband and many other husbands more ammunition to use against me/us.
when all I asked was love and safety and trust.
that was only conditions I had, and he told me that was too much.
if you have been married for many years, and your spouse see's something that you may not see it is a time for introspective thought and reflective behavior not building a case on why they're wrong.
diminishing everything I feel by saying it's only my fight or flight response reacting.
and I don't truly feel that way is insanity.
he triggered my fight or flight response.
and if you ever read the body keeps score, you would truly understand your body is aware of the wrongs it's being exposed to before you are fully aware.

Yes I stand accused of being a narcissist!
I Definitely had narcissistic tendencies with how absolutely destroyed I was in my marriage, control, gas lighting,avoidance etc all to cope with the intensity and threat of more conflict! Self esteem systematically dismantled an effective frog farm operation.
I’m totally aware of those tendencies now as it was thrown in my face so often and I wouldn’t wish a real Narc on anyone. It scared the shit out of me to see those behaviours in myself so doing everything I can to never be in an environment that harbours those behaviours 🙏

It really feels better to focus on myself because then I know where she is coming from and it does make her a little more aggravated and then she tries another tactic to try to get me focused on her questions when she is in a fight flight response.

Hello Rachel, I’ve been watching videos and this live chat recording that you did. I do hear a lot of the old things being a narcissist and I do recognize that videos where it’s coming from and it’s very very helpful and I know how to look for I know how to address the issue but I know you see my comments coming through on other videos and I’ve been like I said watching your masterclass that you set up thank you

I am soooo grateful for you

Honestly I want a strong respectful relationship with her, whether it means we can remain together or not.

I agreed to get therapy for my trauma issues, but when I suggested it might help her as well, she got angry

I wish my husbsnd fought back, then id at least know what he was thinking and feeling. If you're the only one doing any talking its hard to make changes to meet your husbands needs if you dont know what they are. Hard to be accountible when you dont know what you need to be accountible for if he wont open his mouth and say something. But im the narcissist. I know for sure, im not a mind reader and every attempt at having a conversation about a situation has resulted in every situation being about him. Im finally done. Marriage is never about the self. It really is about whats best for the relationship, the children and the family as a unit. Believe me im not innocent in all this either. The more he didnt talk and just did, the more angry and nasty i became. But neither of are narcissists. Shelfish. Maybe, but not narcissists. We both are at fault. Its too bad this is the way it ended. But it has ended. He wants the divorce. But im absolutely sure it wont go the way he wants due to his actions. im sure ill get blamed for that too. Im not going to fight, im only letting the judge decide what my life looks like moving forward, and then once i know where my new life starts, ill start making new hopes and dreams and move on. Its taken me 2 years of seperation to get to this point. I dont want the divorce, neither does our son, but our choice was taken away from us, so all we can do is pick up the pieces and move on. My advice? Early in your marriage, learn how to have healthy conflicts, because conflicts will happen. If you learn how to healthy conflicts the walls dont get built in resentment, and youll find you really do value that relationship before divorce becomes your only choice left. For those of you in the same boat i am? Im sorry. Im sorry that our selfish society prefers divorce over family. Im sorry your heart is breaking.

I have been told I am a sociopath.

its working

Amazing, Thank you!

Interesting to watch her give so much affermation & encouragement . It's the one ingredient that is missing in so many or most relationships. I asked my wife clearly to try and do this with out prompting, to look for good and affirm it. She didn't and has now separated instead. I completely relate to the deep desire for some accountability on her side of the street but the concept is completely lost on her. she's magical perfection and I'm pure evil it seems. It supper hard to manage the disconnect. But the only thing waiting is an argument built on very true failures of mine with no ear for how she shows up ..any failure of hers se eieves is more than justified. Again so difficult. What makes it harder yet is a faith in Christ that demands forgiveness. Something she won't do and for my side difficult because there is no admitting fault no reason to repent no request for forgiveness, in fact to say “I forgive you” would be likely received as offensive. It would inferr there was something wrong that I needed to forgive. if she said ya I see how that was shitty of me, I probably shouldn't have done that, I'll try to watch that in the future…it would be easyto forgive her because I do love her specially with the hope that the problem could stop that there would be effort to move away from the statists quo. But instead she just wants to move away from me and 30 years of building a life together. And she thinks God gave her just Her (a special exception) the thumbs up on divorce with out biblical basis so she trying harder to be the victim to make the emotional abuse so much more than it was and absolutely one sided
well I'm trying to forgive her any way but it's harder mayJesus help me through the storm to be my rock and my purpose as he should have been all the way through. I've been as abusive to him as she's keen to me I guess. Hurts to learn the hard lessons after 1/2 of the one flesh has checked out. But I guess she really checked out decades ago. That's been my issue all through. God loves me he never backed out on his vow even though we both failed. Pray that God do a work in both our hearts and help us love as we should for the best of others even our perceived enemies and to forgive one another.

She already did... She discarded me as if I was used toilet paper. My children are treating me differently, I can sleep, I don't know who I am anymore and what's the purpose for my life. I'm catholic and there's no excuse for a second marriage with your ex still living. So if I should live my faith I have to remain alone for the rest of my days (48 years old).

Some of the guys in the chat couldn't take responsibility for some of the shit that went wrong in their respective marriages/relationships... While I can understand it, it shows you that there are 2 sides to every story.

Be real, you guys had flaws as well. Difficult to get a long with, argumentative etc... Gotta be real sometimes.

I do not think this person has ever gone through a divorce. When you’re going through a divorce, you don’t talk to your ex spouse, you only talk to your lawyer. And your lawyer does not want you talking to your ex spouse.

too late, given up

Apparently I’m a narcissist, cheater, liar, manipulator, and it’s my fault that she was arrested for domestic violence. I can handle these comments, but that sad thing is that it is what my kids are hearing from her.

Thank you for your insight.

she tells the court all that nonsense